Jimmy.Brainflush.com

Okay, so It’s 1:28 AM. I missed the train.. don’t worry, fair reader - it was by about an hour. I was caught up in my work. It happens. Right now I’m sitting in my office with no windows, and ironically I’m thankful. I’m thankful for living– I mean, working, in the biggest building downtown. I feel protected by her marble walls and lofty numerical floor numbers in each elevator bank. At night they glow in the deepest sense of lighthouse beacons one can find this far away from New England.
There’s a gospel convention at the ol’ convention center that everyone seems to want to get rid of, and the after party is occuring in the Marriott downstairs. It’s a gala type atmosphere down there at this hour, which is refreshing. There’s an African-American station broadcasting live out to the world even at this late hour.
And it was then, rounding the bend by the Veteran’s memorial that I thought of a family, possibly your family driving home on this starry night with nearly invisible cotton clouds with the windows down on your way from where you were coming from.
I imagine if you have a child the most likely port from which you travelled was a bookstore, where small children, and not-so-small children are learning the joy of reading again thanks to J.K. Rowling.
I imagine your young one curled up into a ball in the back seat of your car, over-exhausted from the excitement of the moment, after waiting nearly a year for “The Order of The Phoenix.” Maybe it’s not your child I’m imagining, maybe it’s mine. The one I probably should have by now.. although according to my rule of thumb schedule he/she would be about 3. So much for planning.
Time goes by too fast, baby. Too fast. It’s in these moments that I miss the person that I haven’t even met yet. Where is she? John Mayer says “Maybe they’re rolling around in the hay with someone else right now . . . but that’s okay, they’re just learning what to contrast you against.” Maybe he has a point. I hope so.
I had dreams last night about a baby that if I drank and if a particular other person drank might have been a reality. It was actually a nightmare, but waking from it wasn’t as calming as you’d think. I was unsettled by the fact that I have no rifts in my life right now - no huge responsibilities that are overwhelming me right now.. and that really upset me. Oddly enough, that particular person told me today that she had a dream about a dead baby in a toilet. That made me think that maybe in dreams we communicate in some ethereal sense.
So I throw myself into work, and I feel better. I note 15 minutes have passed since we started talking, which means I only have less than three hours until the first bus runs today. I’m thinking of staying up and working on the novel. I tend to right well, with clarity, when I’m tired.
I usually miss the details, but the narrative tends to flow more smoothly. I believe the details belong in the first re-write. I’ll create an entire chapter in my opus on the writing craft once I’m settled into the business. And I’ll dedicate it to you. .. yes you - who are here and have been there through this intermittent juggernaut of a ride I’m on. You in the office waiting for five to arrive, you in your pink socks sitting cross-legged while you inhale Microwavable Kettle-Corn, and you too who may think you know me because you see me, and believe you have me all figured out.
“What’s there to figure out?” I can hear you thinking aloud to yourself. (How’s THAT for a contradiction?) Figure out why I felt a sense of remembering an old friend when I stepped into the Renaissance today. She’s a beautiful hotel. I imagined I’d come swinging back through here when I get busy, staying in one of her rooms, which were smaller than I had originally presupposed.
When I was getting better, I’d stop in to the Renaissance at night and buy cigarettes for 5.50 a pack back when that was really out of control. I was still visiting Nikki then. She was like a beautiful reminder of an ugly past. She’s the type of gal you imagine never getting old or wrinkly or broken, no matter what kind of shock therapy she may put herself through. I miss her for the same reasons I miss writing my poetry with her, and her telling me it was okay to cry when I wrote the one about my brother who I believed I barely knew. Thinking of it now still brings tears to my eyes.
I’ll write a variation of her into my sophomore effort. I figure I’ll need drive to write, and she’d be a great person to provide it. She always one to prod me on when even I didn’t want to go on. The problem with Nikki is she doesn’t imagine that men can be broken. She is of the belief that all men are whole and unbreakable. I hope she never loses that belief.
Two more hours. I believe I’m doing everything right in this moment. The answers aren’t as hard to deal with as they were, but they’re getting harder to find. How do I mean this? In the words of Blues Traveler “If an answer comes to those who pray, it comes to those who pray.” I’ll leave the rest of their psalmic wisdom in Hook to your experiencing. But that surmises most of it.
When you decide to do something, and then follow through on it, you open yourself to more options in whatever area you happened to act in. While this is beneficial, it’s also slightly overwhelming. I keep hearing “It’s a problem I’D like to HAVE,” but seriously.
Not to say I don’t have problems. Tonight’s late night workathon is a fine example of this. But is it really a problem? I feel pretty damn good about what I’ve accomplished today. I got 4 major issues resolved. I faced my fear on an upgrade that I wasn’t sure I could pull off. It went flawlessly, partly because I followed the directions. Imagine that!
I’m also learning many things about others around me. I was chastised this evening for working so late, as evidence of not having proper ‘time-management’ skills. This didn’t upset me at all - I thought it would. I gently reminded this person about the 80/20 rule, and simply stated that I’d like to be part of the 20 doing the 80. He recommended I attempt to move toward the other side. I was puzzled by this.
I think I wasn’t upset because I truly believe I am part of the 20. I think my workload and output prove such things. To a degree, I have great balance at home. My home is orderly, neat and clean. I enjoy the organization of it. I haven’t lost anything in months. Ironing on Sundays for the week, while a pain in the moment, is awesome for the rest of the week.
I think of my savings account the same way. Investing like mad for the next 2 years will be awesome for the next few decades to come - at least that’s my assumption right now. I do fear becoming debt-free for the sole reason that I’m afraid I’ll lose my thrifty identity. Odds are though that I’ll cling to it just as I do now. I enjoy living this way. It’s clean and clear.
My publicist expects me to help her determine what kind of PC she needs to buy. I told her to get a Dell. That oddly enough sufficed. She must have been an editor in a former life. I’m taking a break and posting this. Time to reflect. Be back in a few.