Jimmy.Brainflush.com

Just finished reading Hey Nostradamus by Coupland and you know I wish I knew where this all ended. He left the book open ended and I hate that. It only helps to remind me of how open-ended my life is right now.. I drove around aimlessly for about an hour after.. and there were many references to smoking in the book so I bought cigarettes and smoked and I worry about everything all over again.
I feel like a transcient ghost and part of me thinks that I’ll be single forever with only my own inner voice to keep me company forever. And part of me thinks that as long as there are books to be read and experiences to be had I’ll never be lonely. I feel like a cracked egg and that everyone can see my egg is cracked.
I ended up at work to pick up a tape that I can’t find so I started here and that’s that. There are clouds and maybe if I write these clouds into my novel I’ll feel better. I feel an all night novel writing session coming on. I called my publicist to inform her of my new vigor for writing but she’s no longer with the agency. I learned this from a security guard at the building who I thought was mistaken in the way that I sometimes discount the opinions or sayings of people in capacities I deem indifferent. And this tendency within me I think keeps me from caring about or falling in love with women I think I probably should.
Writing off an attractive, affluent and gorgeous woman like Angela last night was the stupidest thing I’ve done in years. Part of me thinks I write her off because she’s everything I want and on some level think I deserve, but on another level believe is totally out of my league. I make up reasons for disliking her partly due to my own personal insecurities on being involved in a relationship. I have so much to learn in this life. Every moment I think I have things together I get a wider lens view where I see the whole picture and discount myself.
We went out to dinner last night after I finished up at my client’s site. It was totally unplanned. I was walking up to my place and she was walking down looking gorgeous and I asked where she was heading and she said to another boring dinner party where she hated being the only single person and I mentioned the notion of blowing it off for a dinner with me expecting to be blown off. Imagine my surprise when she said sounds interesting and asked where we were going to dinner while she whipped out her cell to call Gianni, the guy who I thought was her boyfriend when I first ran into her and telling him she wouldn’t be there.
Gianni is a plutonic friend of hers. Their relationship reminds me of a friendship I had with someone once. I wanted more and she knew it. But that’s another story for another day.
I decided we would go to Fire in Shaker because she was dressed for it and I was wearing my Rolex. I don’t know why or how I make these distinctions but dinner was lovely and everything I think or thought I want or have been meaning to have in life and it was much easier than I anticipated. Only after dinner and getting home and saying good night did I freak out about how well things went.
I didn’t call anyone because I don’t think there’s anyone around anymore who would want to hear of my goings on.. save for you fair reader. I wish I was completely out of debt already because then these things would add up to going as planned but right now they don’t.
I woke up feeling great and went running and went to breakfast to celebrate and after breakfast went to Borders and it seemed like every woman I ran into smiled at me and I don’t understand this. I must be sending off signals. I really wish I knew what triggered these signals so that I might use this more often.
Blah. I’m going to Coventry because I’m a single person with total freedom to do as I wish when I wish, and I imagine there will be a time not too far in the future where this luxury will have a higher price than it does now. And in that imagining, I find myself thankful for all and everything, including you, fine reader, who checks in to see of my goings on.
Hope your weekend is as interesting as mine. If not, feel free to live vicariously through mine. That would most definitely be a first of firsts. Peace out, -Jimmy