Jimmy.Brainflush.com

Sorry I’ve been out and about everyone. I’d like to say I’ve been super-busy, but this is really not the case. That sentiment was driven home last night with the news telling of a tornado that hit one year ago. It happened on a Sunday night, and I remember I was working at a K-Mart.. the one in Fairlawn, I think, that is now closed.

I remember sitting out in my car getting ready to leave but choosing to get back in the store when the storm hit. Everyone went about shopping like it was no big deal. I even remember blogging on it, which just goes to show you how long this site has been up.

So, not busy, but uneasy. I sense subtle ‘Time to Settle Down’ pressure from my parents, and it’s so far away from where I am right now that it boggles my mind.

I mean, I see people further along in the process then I who probably shouldn’t be, if you know what I mean. That doesn’t mean I’m not amazed at the stuff people put up with in relationships. It’s amazing, I guess, how really good chemistry can overcome really opposite people-types.

It’s getting cold out here on the north coast though. There was frost on nearly everything this morning, and I was very thankful for my garage amidst of the cachophany of windshield scraping I heard this morning.

I almost felt guilty for having a little shelter for Gabby, (my car), but then I got over it quickly.

I really enjoy my home. It’s quite perfect for me in just about every way. Sure there are things I’d like to add to it - a cabinet in the dining room, and a few pictures for that area. Perhaps a few cooking machines and stuff BUT.

My thought is, I don’t cook much now. Sure, more than your average bachelor, who NEVER cooks, but not enough to justify purchasing a Candy-apple red, 4 variable speed, 8 different attachments, three hundred dollar Kitchenaid mixer on Sale at Crate & Barrel.

It’s like those couples who have kids because they’ve run out of stuff to talk about, or who have lost the acute sense of discovery that got them together in the first place.

Not that it’s wrong, it’s just what I would consider a strange reason to bring life into the world. Heck, it kept my parents together for 24 years.

I realize how much I forgot about growing up. I forgot how great our (mine, my brother’s and my sister’s) childhood really was until I saw a photo collage my mom put together for my sister’s 30th birthday party.

It was great to be there to experience that. I really value my parents and family. I don’t think they realize that I do eventually want to get home, because I sort of do.. right now, in this moment. This mood and its intensity varies with the amount of business in my life.

If I’m extremely busy, I don’t miss or need anyone, it seems. Then there are times like this weekend, where I didn’t even leave my apartment! I actually spent time enjoying it, which was a rare indulgence that as the weather gets cooler I can see myself enjoying.

But then the Goal Driven Yahoo (thought I forgot about him?) wants me to shape up and behave and do all of those things I know I should and could be doing.

Today’s been a great day at work so far. I fixed a big problem with little effort, and have just had an overall good day. I actually miss work on days I’m not here. That’s mental, I know. Or maybe it’s the Subconcious GDY in hiding.

So what’s next? I could very easily slip into auto-pilot from now into the holidays, and find myself calmed by the “Well I Got Out of Debt This Year” thought process, or, I could strive to do more.

Maybe this uncomfortable feeling inside is just that - a need to knock one more out of the park before ‘03 is in the books.

What, though?

XP Pro? That would make the most sense, job-wise and MCSE getting done for the love of God-wise.

However, getting back on track with that means momentum. Building and ramping it back up to new heights and off into that uncomfortable Big Future.

I just realized how much I FEAR success. Literally - stomach in knots, unknown darkness, and fear.

The day to day doesn’t bring the fear like this. It’s the prospect of accomplishing something huge. Something that puts me outside of my comfort zone. Something that when completed, will definitely change the me I know.

Those are my current beliefs, that last paragraph. After re-reading I see that I fear change. Me of all people. Weird, isn’t it?

Now wait a minute, says the Goal Driven Yahoo. Getting out of debt didn’t change you, did it? Sure did.. witness the whole Satellite Radio fiasco.

For those of you unaware, Jimmy went out and purchased a Satellite radio after proclaiming his debt freedom, and couldn’t handle it. It was too nice, too extravagant for Jimmy. I returned it because it was now, officially, out of my comfort zone.

So, there’s that.

F it.

If I just get one test done, the world won’t end. It’s small enough and doable enough to where I can just get it done and see where it leads. By simply focus—- See, already I’ve made the mental leap to which tests I’ll get done by which date.

Can someone shut this stupid thing off?

AaaaRgggh!

FACT: I lose my job, I have nothing but experience to fall back on.

‘Nuf said. See you on the flip side of whatever this last bat leads to. I warn you, it may be a while.

If you don’t hear from me, happy thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, etc.

Stepping up to the plate.. from Chicago, living in Ohio.. his record is about 6 actual starts with a 10% completion record…. looking to knock one out of the park while the brief, dusk light reflects into the ball field like the dirt fields he’d run home from after being called in for dinner.. with the running anticipation of the present.. .. ..

-Jimmy